Realizations: On Fear & Love
Some of us are so afraid of our infinite power and ashamed of our intense human desire for affection, that we will reject every little opportunity of love. After dates with friends or potential lovers, we curb enthusiastic texts to sound cool and collected, as if our eagerness to be loved is something that might frighten the other away.
And, in truth, our vulnerability will frighten others. Social conditioning will have us believe that a female-presenting person, who enjoys a platonic or sexual experience and then immediately craves and reaches for another encounter, is "crazy". This same conditioning has us believing that male-presenting persons, who reach out for connection more than once after being canceled on or left unresponded to, are "creepy".
In the past couple of months, I've enjoyed the presence of several womxn who dared to take off their masks while around me, and it lifted our love to new heights. All steps that one must take in order to become well acquainted with another vanished, and it was soul sisterhood at first sight. This is the power of being unashamed of our deep and expansive love. I have had many failed platonic relationships with other womxn because we feared the other; neither of us could ever remove our masks, open our hearts, and let the other see. My emotional intensity and the severity of my life experiences is often "too much" for those who hold fear in their hearts. These relationships, going nowhere as neither womxn made the first move to be vulnerable, always withered away.
What's equally heart wrenching is when we do make that first move, share something deep about our beliefs or our past, and then are dropped as friends by people who are not ready for a meaningful relationship. It is often enough for many to play a cat and mouse game, toeing the waters of sisterhood, but on a conditional basis; we must match each other perfectly, at the same speed, with mutual and shallow levels of disclosure. When I make the first move and tell a new friend about a life experience I have valiantly overcome, or a current issue through which I am working, that person must be ready to match me on that level in order for the friendship to thrive. Many are not ready for this tier of exposure. And it can leave the "teller", or emotionally available womxn, feeling quite abandoned.
I do understand the importance of mutual energy exchanges. It is crucial to never "unload" your burden on to a sister; rather, a reciprocal flow of support and encouragement is needed on both ends. I will never forget a womxn I met at a potluck who told me about a horrific, violent sexual attack she had just suffered in detail - but the next time I saw her, she didn't even recognize me. This left me feeling used, as though I held space for someone not willing to hold space for me. Having strong boundaries and establishing trust in the early stages of a relationship can often prevent this situation from occurring.
Recently, I visited a person who I did not know very well yet, but I had been (and still am!) excited to explore the potential of our friendship. We are very similar in many aspects, especially regarding the ways in which we value self-love, spirituality, and nature. At one point in the night, I shared about a struggle that I am currently overcoming, and felt so embarrassed afterward; it definitely felt like I had overshared, and in doing so, overstepped the boundaries of my new friend. I apologized for my blunder and my friend replied, "Stop. That is you receding." Immediately, I knew that this person was comfortable with herself and not afraid of vulnerability. It was at that moment that I gained respect and trust for that person, the way a student loves a mentor. If only we could all see our friends in such a light. When I see my sisters as mirrors of me, who are here to guide and teach me, my fearful little ego retires.
Perhaps the most painful and lonely place of all to lack vulnerability is within the sanctity of a romantic and/or sexual relationship. It could be the infamous back and forth game of withholding oneself in a new sexual relationship, to avoid the "crazy" or "creepy" label aforementioned. Or, it could be a deficiency of trust in a long term partnership. The absence of trust is the end of love. When we are unsure if the person with whom we are supposed to spend the majority of our connection with can hold space for us, how can we ever feel free? If I am constantly looking in a mirror and all I see is someone who is afraid, withholding, and receding, I can never truly unfold. For me to unfurl my beautiful lotus petals, my partner has to be completely willing and ready to receive me; all of me. I must be sure that my partner is worth my all-powerful vulnerability. And, if so, I must be ready for the transformational pain, the immense connection, and deep healing that will come from me being completely open.
I am truly grateful for the friends I currently have that are willing to share their open hearts with me. I am grateful for my own recent realization that the way to live my fullest life is to live vulnerably and honestly.
And, in truth, our vulnerability will frighten others. Social conditioning will have us believe that a female-presenting person, who enjoys a platonic or sexual experience and then immediately craves and reaches for another encounter, is "crazy". This same conditioning has us believing that male-presenting persons, who reach out for connection more than once after being canceled on or left unresponded to, are "creepy".
In the past couple of months, I've enjoyed the presence of several womxn who dared to take off their masks while around me, and it lifted our love to new heights. All steps that one must take in order to become well acquainted with another vanished, and it was soul sisterhood at first sight. This is the power of being unashamed of our deep and expansive love. I have had many failed platonic relationships with other womxn because we feared the other; neither of us could ever remove our masks, open our hearts, and let the other see. My emotional intensity and the severity of my life experiences is often "too much" for those who hold fear in their hearts. These relationships, going nowhere as neither womxn made the first move to be vulnerable, always withered away. What's equally heart wrenching is when we do make that first move, share something deep about our beliefs or our past, and then are dropped as friends by people who are not ready for a meaningful relationship. It is often enough for many to play a cat and mouse game, toeing the waters of sisterhood, but on a conditional basis; we must match each other perfectly, at the same speed, with mutual and shallow levels of disclosure. When I make the first move and tell a new friend about a life experience I have valiantly overcome, or a current issue through which I am working, that person must be ready to match me on that level in order for the friendship to thrive. Many are not ready for this tier of exposure. And it can leave the "teller", or emotionally available womxn, feeling quite abandoned.
I do understand the importance of mutual energy exchanges. It is crucial to never "unload" your burden on to a sister; rather, a reciprocal flow of support and encouragement is needed on both ends. I will never forget a womxn I met at a potluck who told me about a horrific, violent sexual attack she had just suffered in detail - but the next time I saw her, she didn't even recognize me. This left me feeling used, as though I held space for someone not willing to hold space for me. Having strong boundaries and establishing trust in the early stages of a relationship can often prevent this situation from occurring.
Recently, I visited a person who I did not know very well yet, but I had been (and still am!) excited to explore the potential of our friendship. We are very similar in many aspects, especially regarding the ways in which we value self-love, spirituality, and nature. At one point in the night, I shared about a struggle that I am currently overcoming, and felt so embarrassed afterward; it definitely felt like I had overshared, and in doing so, overstepped the boundaries of my new friend. I apologized for my blunder and my friend replied, "Stop. That is you receding." Immediately, I knew that this person was comfortable with herself and not afraid of vulnerability. It was at that moment that I gained respect and trust for that person, the way a student loves a mentor. If only we could all see our friends in such a light. When I see my sisters as mirrors of me, who are here to guide and teach me, my fearful little ego retires.
Perhaps the most painful and lonely place of all to lack vulnerability is within the sanctity of a romantic and/or sexual relationship. It could be the infamous back and forth game of withholding oneself in a new sexual relationship, to avoid the "crazy" or "creepy" label aforementioned. Or, it could be a deficiency of trust in a long term partnership. The absence of trust is the end of love. When we are unsure if the person with whom we are supposed to spend the majority of our connection with can hold space for us, how can we ever feel free? If I am constantly looking in a mirror and all I see is someone who is afraid, withholding, and receding, I can never truly unfold. For me to unfurl my beautiful lotus petals, my partner has to be completely willing and ready to receive me; all of me. I must be sure that my partner is worth my all-powerful vulnerability. And, if so, I must be ready for the transformational pain, the immense connection, and deep healing that will come from me being completely open.
I am truly grateful for the friends I currently have that are willing to share their open hearts with me. I am grateful for my own recent realization that the way to live my fullest life is to live vulnerably and honestly.
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